Pretty ugly

I am not feeling good today. I could blame this dreary weather. But no, it’s not that. In fact, I like the rain. The soothing sound of rain actually makes me feel good. It’s probably the Pisces in me.  

Maybe I should say I am not feeling good about myself today.  Yes, that’s better.  It’s one of those days where I wish I could stand in the rain to hide the tears I want to shed. Sadly, I tried to keep the tears inside.  I failed a few times, but I quickly regained my composure so I wouldn’t be asked too many questions about what was wrong.

You see, sometimes I lack confidence in my appearance.  I was never one to think that I looked better than anyone else.  I feel as though I had to work extra hard to look ‘good’.  I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but sometimes I even wonder what my husband sees in me? It couldn’t have been good looks.  It must have been my charming personality. (-_-)  Just today, he asked me “Why do you always give an awkward side smirk whenever I give you a compliment?” (that’s when I lost the battle to keep that tear inside)  I really didn’t have an acceptable answer so I just shrugged my shoulders.  If I did answer, that would have led to more questions… and more tears.  So I said nothing.

I decided to take out my faux locs last night and now I have a hot mess on top of my head.  My hair is so dry and brittle, it is awful.  I made it a point to search Pinterest today to look for cute, short hair style.  Maybe if I cut my hair, that would make me feel better.  But I know me… once I cut it, I will think – my face is too fat, or my neck is too big, or my hair just won’t look like the picture. (Screw it) It is what it is. I’ll just keep this hot mess on top of my head until whenever.

I believe it is time I go shower and get my mind off of this bird’s nest.  Maybe if I turn on the rainfall setting on the shower head, I can pretend I am standing in the rain. Then, I will be able to cry if I want too… privately.

Until next time… be blessed.

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