It sucks being an introvert. However, it is hard coming out of your shell when you feel so safe in the inside. I wasn’t that way in the beginning. I don’t know what happened. Life, I guess.
In my younger days (some 30 + years ago) even though I was depressed, I wanted to get away. Getting away from my environment was ideal. I hated sitting at home by myself. Since I was an only child, needless to say it was boring. Those who had siblings would venture to say that I was crazy not to enjoy being home with no one to bother you. On the contrary, it was very lonely. Often times in my early adulthood, I would go places by myself. Not sure if it was more so because I was used to being by myself or I just didn’t have a lot of friends to ask to accompany me.
As I got older, my mindset changed some. With my first marriage, it was all about family. I was all about my children. My main focus was taking care of them. There was nothing outside of home that was more important than them. However when I divorced and my children had gotten older, that urge to ‘go out’ came back. Maybe I was in the “I need a break” mode. When the kids were old enough to stay home alone, I ventured out with a few friends, just to socialize with ‘grown folks’. And then somewhere in there, I got lost again. Friends would want to go out, I didn’t. My depression wouldn’t let me. During that time, it was severe. I had a lot of things going on and having a good time wasn’t deserving to me. I was at the lowest point in my life. So the friends stopped calling because I would always make an excuse not to go. It was nothing against them. It was ALL me. So then it got to a point where I was lonely again.
Now that I am much older, I enjoy being alone (with my husband of course). I don’t have anyone to ‘hang out’ with (girlfriends) since moving to a different state. And it’s OK. The way my anxiety is set up, it is probably best anyway. These anxiety attacks can be not only scary for me, but for someone else who is not used to this dilemma. I am so glad that my husband understands when I grab his hand and close my eyes, that means an attack is rearing its ugly head. He knows. He calms me. He is my peace. Maybe someday, I will have girlfriends who will understand my issues and accept them for what it is. It’s not contagious, just a nuisance.
Until next time… be blessed.