Being alone

It sucks being an introvert. However, it is hard coming out of your shell when you feel so safe in the inside. I wasn’t that way in the beginning. I don’t know what happened. Life, I guess.

In my younger days (some 30 + years ago) even though I was depressed, I wanted to get away. Getting away from my environment was ideal. I hated sitting at home by myself. Since I was an only child, needless to say it was boring. Those who had siblings would venture to say that I was crazy not to enjoy being home with no one to bother you. On the contrary, it was very lonely. Often times in my early adulthood, I would go places by myself. Not sure if it was more so because I was used to being by myself or I just didn’t have a lot of friends to ask to accompany me.

As I got older, my mindset changed some. With my first marriage, it was all about family. I was all about my children. My main focus was taking care of them. There was nothing outside of home that was more important than them. However when I divorced and my children had gotten older, that urge to ‘go out’ came back. Maybe I was in the “I need a break” mode. When the kids were old enough to stay home alone, I ventured out with a few friends, just to socialize with ‘grown folks’. And then somewhere in there, I got lost again. Friends would want to go out, I didn’t. My depression wouldn’t let me. During that time, it was severe. I had a lot of things going on and having a good time wasn’t deserving to me. I was at the lowest point in my life. So the friends stopped calling because I would always make an excuse not to go. It was nothing against them. It was ALL me. So then it got to a point where I was lonely again.

Now that I am much older, I enjoy being alone (with my husband of course). I don’t have anyone to ‘hang out’ with (girlfriends) since moving to a different state. And it’s OK. The way my anxiety is set up, it is probably best anyway. These anxiety attacks can be not only scary for me, but for someone else who is not used to this dilemma. I am so glad that my husband understands when I grab his hand and close my eyes, that means an attack is rearing its ugly head. He knows. He calms me. He is my peace. Maybe someday, I will have girlfriends who will understand my issues and accept them for what it is. It’s not contagious, just a nuisance.

Until next time… be blessed.

2 thoughts on “Being alone

  1. I really can relate. It’s taken me some time to adjust to empty nest syndrome of my kids, getting stepson graduated was like pulling teeth, no more travelling to see the grand kids bc we can’t keep charging credit cards. I don’t have a lot of friends in this town b/c its a redneck town 85% full of small minded folks. I’m not from here but I moved here 16yrs ago for the natural beauty, I was tired of never being able to walk with my kids anywhere. With the new job starting in Aug I’ve talked to more folks in the past 2 weeks then I have in the past 3 years. It’s a very warm inclusive environment though-and I think I will thrive. I told them in my interview I am not good with adults -social skills- but great with kids. Ha ha Have a Blessed Week

    1. I pray that your new job will bring you peace and the start of new friendships (adults and kids lol). It is hard to ‘open up’ when you’ve been closed for so long. But I believe you will be a great asset wherever you go. Please, keep me posted on the new job! Best of wishes to you!!!! 🙂