I am my own worst critic. I have to remind myself of this on my bad days. Because well… I am my own worst critic. Sometimes I wonder just when did my self-esteem get ruined? Or maybe I should ask how many times has it gotten ruined? There were plenty. More times than I care to count. More importantly, from the very people I cared about the most.
As little kids, there are some that have the perfect hair on the perfect head. Even with missing teeth, they have the perfect little smile that melts many hearts. On the other hand, there are kids (like myself at that age) who get bullied because of their appearance. Kids are bullied because of skin color, or the type of clothes they wear, or a speech impediment, or one ear might be bigger than the other {I am reaching, but you get the point}. It is horrible but it is a true fact. However, every child is ‘perfect’ in God’s sight, but man sees imperfections.
When I was quite younger, I would sometimes be called unattractive names by my own relatives. I’m not talking about cousins my age. I’m talking about grown adults. NEWSFLASH – words do hurt! And kids always remember the bad things that happened in their life. So, I never forgot. In fact, I believed it. For a long time, if I looked in the mirror, that is what I saw – ugliness. I saw me. I didn’t want to smile for fear of being ridiculed about my teeth. I didn’t want to talk because all eyes would be directly on me. However, there was no way around it. I just had to deal with it as best as I could.
For a long time, I never had a boyfriend. I was told I was too ‘standoffish’. Humm… I guess that is because I really didn’t have the confidence to really talk to anyone or to be talked to. I never thought that anyone would like me or truly cared. Sure, I was told by guys how beautiful I was – as they gazed at every part of my body except my face. (sigh)
There came a time when I thought maybe someone did truly love me. After 25 years of holding on to the belief that there would never be anyone for me, I was rescued. Or so I thought. Instead of being saved, I was engulfed in emotional and psychological abuse. I would never, ever make light of people who have been physically abused. But anyone who has ever been emotionally abused can attest that that can be just as painful – emotionally being stripped of your dignity and self-worth. When your ‘abuser’ says you are getting big (from a size 8 to a size 12) and that he doesn’t love me anymore, hey that “IT’S TIME TO MOVE ON TRAIN” had started its engine and I was ready to leave that situation. And I did. Little did I know back then, I had more self-worth than I gave myself credit for. I thank God for the courage and the wisdom to believe in myself and know that after 8 years, I deserved better.
Sometimes, I still get those self-esteem issues. My husband gives me positive affirmations every day about his love for me and how beautiful I am. The best part is … I BELIEVE HIM!!! It is such a good feeling to know that God blessed me with someone who loves me for me. Not for what I have or don’t have, not for what I should be or could be, but he loves me for just being me. Period. I am still a work in progress. I am working on loving all of my imperfections because MY MAN loves me just the way I am! All size 16 of me!!
Until next time … be blessed!
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