Haunted

I am haunted by the past.

As much as I try to forget, it won’t leave me alone. I go about my day, not bothering anyone, not saying anything, yet … I am reminded. I am constantly reminded that I am no one special. Not as special as I hoped to be. I ask myself sometimes, how can ‘I’ change? What can I do to make myself feel worthy ‘for’ the change?

For the most part, as with any adult, you hope for change. As you get older, your mindset changes significantly (hopefully) to better oneself. Whether it be physically, financially, spiritually or mentally. The majority of us want to do better in life. We want that assurance that we, our significant other and/or children don’t have to struggle like we did. So we do whatever need to be done to create a stress-free life. Right?

Speaking for myself, I have failed. I let my mind disrupt my happiness alot of times. And I know that my lack of happiness can be sensed by my family. My thought process can be brutally harsh to my esteem. Yet, I always manage to be able to support those all around me. Honestly, and this may sound a little hypocritical, but my spiritual gift is being a comforter; to inspire motivation to others. I know how it feels to be depressed. I would NEVER wish my disruptive mentality on anyone. The only problem is … I have a hard time motivating myself.

I just wish that I had enough strength to not let the past bother me. It is supposed to be behind me and not flourish into my future. However, it is a battle that I know I won’t win. I won’t. I am not being negative, just realistic. I can’t cover it up or throw it away. And it surely cannot be erased. Therefore, it will be a part of my life forever. The goal is to accept it for what it is and move on. This is why I am so grateful for my biggest supporter… my husband. Somehow, he seems to know when my mind is getting the best of me. He does everything in his power to brighten my dark places. Sometimes he succeeds, sometimes he doesn’t. Either way, I am still so grateful for him.

Until next time… be blessed.