Has someone close to you ever had suicidal thoughts? Did they carry out those plans? What was it that drove them to do the ultimate … ending of their lives? Or think about yourself… have you ever had any of those thoughts?
I can honestly say that I had misconceptions about suicidal thoughts. I thought that once the ‘thought’ was actually in your mind, you carry those thoughts out. The fact is people can have suicidal thoughts but have no plans to actually carry them out. Regardless … it is still thoughts and should be taken seriously. For example, sometimes life can be so overwhelming to a point where death is a form of escape – sense of relief. And just the mere thought of it being ‘over’ is comforting. Another example is imagining what life would be like if you weren’t around. The world will be a better place if your existence didn’t take up space and life would continue to go on as usual. And you will be spared from the stress of every day life.
Well, I must say, there have been plenty of days over plenty of years that I have thought about it but never got to the point of actually carrying it out. Contemplated even, but never planned it. I have felt unworthy to breathe. I felt like my children deserved someone better to take care of them because I was drowning in despair and could barely hold my head above water. My father was dead and I didn’t have that manly advice I so desperately needed as a young woman and mother. There was no one who understood what I was going through and absolutely no one who really cared. So there I was, alone in all of those thoughts that were swimming around in my head like a tidal wave. The anxiety itself can give you the immense sense that death is imminent and you start to panic – frightful. You start to wonder whether this is the way you will die. (If you’ve ever had a panic attack, you know what that feels like.) Then there are times if I thought I could just disappear, run away, vanish into thin air… I wouldn’t be missed. And life would go on.
Truthfully, I still have these ‘thoughts’. My children are grown now and don’t ‘need’ their mother like they used to. My husband is strong … strongest man I have ever known. I know he would be ok. Sometimes I get tired of ‘feeling’ old, forgetting things, being misunderstood … however, I am still here. I have been here much longer than I thought I would be. But God has me here for a purpose – a reason and a season. I promised Him a long time ago that I won’t take matters into my own hands. God gave me this life and He will be the one to determine when this life is over – not me.
If you are going through your own suicidal thoughts or you know someone who is, please seek help immediately! Life is worth living, especially with you in it. ♥
Until next time … be blessed
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals. 1-800-273-8255