The hole is too deep

I am in week three. Feels like my depression is getting worse. They say it is always worse before it gets better, though. But how long will it be before I get some relief? I am tired of feeling like this.

As I sit here, I think about the commercial on t.v. where the woman holds a smiley face in front of her own face. She is hiding her depression from the outside world. Why? Because she must maintain the appearance that everything is right in the world. This is me. I put on the ‘happy’ face as much as I can. But sometimes, the hole is too deep to crawl out of.

This morning, I was trying to think of every excuse not to go to church. I wanted to just lay in my bed until it was time to get ready for bed tonight. I didn’t want to be seen because I had the ‘look’ of lifelessness in my face. Then I thought about the questions my husband would ask me. Not wanting nor feeling like explaining, I managed to get myself together to go. I sat in church, praying that I didn’t have that uncontrollable crying spell I had been getting over the days before. It was hard to stifle the tears, but I managed to control the water trails on my makeup.

There was one moment in church that literally brought light into my darkness. When my husband put his arm around my shoulder and I felt his warmth radiating throughout my body. I didn’t realize how cold and dark I was in the inside until I felt his touch. No words – just touch. That is all I needed. Most times, I don’t have the energy to want to talk. I just want to be held in total silence. That screams PEACE to me.

I hope that this goes away soon. Anytime you have depression, you can’t put a time limit on recovery. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of the anxiety. I am tired of being tired.

Anyway, I hope that my readers are doing well and you continue to have a prosperous evening. Prayers go out to the residents of the Bahamas. And prayers go out to the east coast as Hurricane Dorian makes his way that direction. Be safe and God bless.

Until next time … be blessed.