I am ashamed

I am ashamed. And I should be. Not only did I jeopardize my current health, I could quite possibly have jeopardized my future health. All because for just a split moment, I was embarrassed.

I went in for a routine 3 month follow up visit to my primary care provider. The nurse asked me a question that they always seem to ask at every visit. But this time, I panicked. She asked me if I had any suicidal thoughts. I said no. Sigh … I said no. Now, referring back to my blog last month called The Misconception of Suicidal Thoughts, I knew what I had been dealing with the last few weeks. Yet, I could not bring myself to accept it for what it was – what it is … just thoughts. I had no plans to physically hurt myself. Just thoughts of not being here to cause emotional pain to my loved ones.

Well the next day, I had an appointment with an LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor). In between the talk and the tears, the subject was brought up about suicidal thoughts. She asked me if I had been having them. I reluctantly said yes. She asked me if I informed my doctor. I said no. 😔 And I told her why. Here I am, an advocate for depression survivors and the one question I could not answer was because I was ashamed. In just that moment, I had lost my dignity, my self-respect, and my empowerment. I failed at being honest with myself.

My counselor told me what I already knew. My illness is just like any other illness that I would talk to my doctor about. Yes, he does know about my depression. He knows that I had an unusually difficult few weeks and recommended another prescription on top of what I already have. But he did not know to what extent my mental pain scale was on.

However, I admitted my mistake to my PCP by way of sending a message through my patient portal … along with an apology. Not really thinking it through, I could have further damaged my mental state by not saying anything. I am glad that I had the opportunity to go to therapy. I don’t want to be like this [depressed]. But I know it will take some time to ‘recover’. So for now, I will continue to take one day at a time. Please remember, don’t be ashamed like I was.

Until next time … be blessed.