My heart hurts

My heart hurts. It literally feels like all four of my puppy’s feet are standing on my chest. And Rico is a solid 20 lbs. I am thankful, however, that the pain is not from COVID.

Have you every heard of a person having a broken heart? Have you ever wondered whether this is a real medical phenomenon? From my understanding, it really is real. There are times when I feel like that is what is going on with me. My heart really does feel broken – shattered even.

As far back as my early teens, I have been keeping secrets that I never even told my family about. Not only my skeletons, but mostly skeletons of other people. Those kinds of secrets that I never asked to be told to me. I am very appreciative that people would entrust their darkest moments to me. However, I am not here to blame anyone that trusted me enough to keep their secrets. Never that! I am here because the secrets themselves weigh so heavily on me and my emotions that I can’t seem to separate what’s really my emotions and what is theirs. In my mind, I can feel every emotion that someone else is feeling. A very sickening flutter in the bottom of my stomach that makes me literally ill. And the tears … already a given. I can assure you that my tears will flow more than whomever I am talking to. It’s definitely a weakness of mine. Call me a crybaby … it’s ok.

I want to blame God. I want to know why I was chosen for this? But I can’t question God because He doesn’t make mistakes. God made me this way. For a long time, over 40 years, I had no clue what my purpose in life was supposed to be. It is my empathy and compassion for others how my purpose was revealed … that is His gift to me. I wholeheartedly thank Him for trusting me for this job. Sometimes, though, I just feel like I am so defeated. God, what is it that I can do to separate the emotions of my own issues from everyone else’s?

I want to help people who need my help. I want to be a positive influence. I want to bless those who need a blessing. All I can do is ask God for the strength to keep going and do what I have to do to help whoever is in need. But please, Lord, help me too.

Until next time … be blessed.