I hate it here

I am so physically tired – for several reasons. I can only blame myself. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. Mentally, I am extremely exhausted. Fatigue, backaches, headaches, anxiety, sleepiness … just to name a few. All I want to do is lay in my bed forever. However, I know I can’t.

The last few weeks have been such an emotional roller coaster. Some things were controllable, some weren’t. I made the mistake of trusting someone to promote my books to other radio stations. Of course, this involved money. And as you can guess, this person never came through. I despise liars and thieves, especially if they claim to love God. But the way MY God is set up, I can assure you what God will do to this thief is far worse than what I can do. They will find out the hard way not to mess with one of God’s anointed. I will say, however, that through this unfortunate event brought forth another opportunity – more professional even. So I am very appreciative for this 2nd opportunity.

I spent the last few months worried about the health of two of my children. My children are extremely important to me so when one hurts, I hurt. But when two are hurt, I feel like I can’t function. One of my jobs as a mother is to protect my cubs. But when I can’t, I feel useless. Unworthy even. I know that all I can do – and most likely the BEST thing to do – is pray. Prayer changes things. However, I feel like I should do so much more.

That is how my mind works. That is how this depression and anxiety takes over my mentality. It feeds me a plethora of falsehoods and damages the inner core of my being. I hate it here. I feel inadequate as a wife and mother. I feel like a complete failure at times because I can never finish things I’ve started. Now before you say anything … I know that’s not reasonable to say because I did graduate with an associate degree and completed two books. I’m not talking about those – those are huge accomplishments. I’m talking about the small things. LISTEN … if you never get anything out of life, know that the smaller things are worth more than the bigger things. If you don’t believe me, just keep on living. You’ll find out sometime during your lifetime that what I am saying is true.

In the meantime, I’m going to get ready for bed. It’s not even 9pm yet. But my mind is on constant ‘play’ when I am awake. I need a mental break. I need a vacation with my husband. I need to cut off the world for just a few days to rejuvenate. I need to exhale desperately.

Until next time … be blessed.