What does my depression feel like?

Someone recently asked me what does depression feel like? The person who asked me caught me off guard. Not because of the question itself, but because of who it was that asked me. I suppose in a way, it was the right time to ask because my world was in already in a dark place. Perfect timing during an imperfect time to ask. So I described it from my point of view.

Depression feels like the color black. A cold, dark place that has no warmth. No feeling of life. Visually, you can’t see your way through anything, nor do you want to do anything. Darkness keeps you in solitary confinement. You are trapped in a prison with no key to unlock you from the four walls around you. So you stay there… helpless and alone. You don’t want to be there. But the handcuffs are heavy and you can’t reach for help.

At first, I thought I gave too much information. Then I remembered… depression is not talked about enough.

Depression feels like you are all by yourself. Your mind tells you no one cares. Your mind also makes you believe it to be true. Your mind will ensure you that no one understands just how much sadness you feel. So much sadness that the only thing you can do is cry. Why? Sometimes, you can’t even give an explanation as to why. Crying is like a momentary relief of the mental weight that bears down on you. Only thing is … the weight doesn’t stay off.

Depression takes away all of your energy. Getting out of bed hurts. Taking a shower takes so much effort, but thankfully it makes me feel better (unfortunately not everyone feels that way). Keeping your room organized and/or clean is a task on the bottom of the things to do list. Your days begin to run together, not really sure if your nights are actually days or vice versa.

Depression is a manipulator. It will destroy your self-esteem and self-worth. It will give you doubts about your looks, your size, your intelligence, your character and even your morals. It will make you question why did the sun bother to come up? Why are the birds singing while it’s raining? Why can’t I laugh and have fun like the children in the park? Why doesn’t anybody like me? Those neverending questions will continually occupy your already disturbed mind.

Depression hurts. Your head hurts. Your body aches. Chest pains… your mind will literally make you feel like your body is giving up. Yes, it will effect you physically. Weight gain (comfort eating) or weight loss. Sleeping too much or not sleeping at all (insomnia). But no matter what you do, fatigue will always be there.

Crying is like a momentary relief of the mental weight that bears down on you.

Depression keeps you distant from family and/or friends. On one side, you really don’t have the energy to talk to anyone. Sometimes you want to be left alone so you won’t burden others about how you feel. You don’t want to be bombarded with questions asking “What’s wrong?” Me, I am told all of the time I don’t have a ‘poker face’. So if I am not doing well, it will show. On the other side, it will also reveal to you who really notices that something really is wrong. It’ll also reveal just how supportive your support system really is.

At first, I thought I gave too much information. Then I remembered… depression is not talked about enough. And I still feel like I left some things out. Not everyone has the same depressive journey as I. But I can assure you that some of our notes would have some of the same information.

One thing you have to remember… behind every dark cloud, every storm that passes through, the sun is ALWAYS shining. I would like to verbally apologize to the two people who did reach out to me. I couldn’t talk at the time because, well, you just read why. I hope you understand and are forgiving. Some of my days are harder than others.

Until next time… be blessed.