I was in the house all day – for the most part in the dark. I didn’t know it had rained. I never even bothered to look out of any windows. Somehow, I felt comfortable in the gloom of the day. It felt ‘right’. If it had been sunny and bright, I would have felt guilty about wasting away a beautiful day.
I noticed it had rained when I decided to check the mail. I did something that I had not done in decades. I took my slippers off and walked on the wet grass to the mailbox. I am not one for walking around barefooted, not even inside. But today, I didn’t care. I didn’t care about the wetness between my toes. I didn’t care about the grit of the mud or the bugs in the grass or even the sharp rocks on the pavement. I just didn’t care.
I am tired. I am sad. I am ugly. I am broken. I am unworthy. I am exhausted. I am hurting. I am undeserving. I am depressed.
And that is the problem. With depression, I don’t care about anything or anyone. I am empty. I am unable to feel. I am unable to talk and worse, unable to express myself outside of crying. Honestly, I believe I am all cried out. Dehydrated maybe. Is that even possible?
I do, though, need to have a breakthrough sooner than later. It seems things are just coming at me from every angle and I can’t get things in order. My son will be going back to college in a few weeks. Although I am so proud of his journey into his senior year, his leaving is going to be a major stressor for me. So, I am trying to mentally prepare for that.
I need a different environment. I need to see something other than the bedroom, the livingroom or the entire house itself. Sometimes it feels like the walls are closing in. Feeling claustrophobic in my place of residence. Really? I mean, how idiotic does that sound? Now with Covid spiking again, I sense another lockdown in the horizon. It really shouldn’t matter to me since I’m in the house anyway … right? {Sigh}
I am empty. I am unable to feel.
I am tired. I am sad. I am ugly. I am broken. I am unworthy. I am exhausted. I am hurting. I am undeserving. I am depressed. My Psychologist does her best to make me feel otherwise. She is appreciated. My husband says I am such a beautiful woman – inside and out- and he will always be by my side. He is appreciated beyond words. The only two that really and truly care enough to make sure I’m ok and want to help me get better. At least I don’t have to suffer alone. 😓
Until next time … be blessed.