As I lie here waiting for sleep to fall upon me, I was suddenly overcome with guilt. Guilt for past things I have done. Guilt because I feel I should have done more. Guilt because I don’t think I will be able to do enough. My mind is just riddled with overthinking. And I’m so exhausted.
There was a time I felt (still feel) guilty for leaving my children two states away. When my whirlwind romance started, I had no idea at the time that I would eventually get married and move out of the state. Honestly I felt like I abandoned my kids. Even though my oldest had finished college and moved out on her own and my youngest was about to start college that fall, neither one of them had anyone they could fall back on if I was not there. Really though, they didn’t need anyone except for emergencies. I raised them to be self-sufficient.
But those times my youngest was at college and didn’t have anywhere to go when his roommates went home for the weekend, I feel extremely guilty. He had no ‘home’ to go to. Even I wouldn’t want to travel 6 hours here and 6 hours back just for a weekend either. He says he fine with it – he’s alot like me when it comes to enjoying his own company. I’m the one who has the issues.
Toxic guilt, on the other hand, results in a waste of energy. This is when you are telling yourself that you have done something wrong when you have not done anything wrong. It is when you do something for yourself without any intent of hurting others, but the person you have hurt by accident blames their pain on you.Victoria McCann
My oldest has taken the bull by the horns and made herself a great life. She has accomplished her goals with college and utilizes her skills in her profession. Yet, the motherly part of me wishes that I was closer to her. I feel guilty for leaving her just when she was about to enter womanhood, filled with questions, meeting for lunch, going shopping, laughing at silly things – you know, girl stuff. But, I’m not there. And it hurts – alot.
The realization is had I not gotten married and moved away, I more than likely would have been still at home alone (and miserable) while the ‘kids’ where out doing their own thing. 😏 One thing is for sure though – I have zero regrets about the man I married! Being in a new state with no family and no ‘girlfriends’ to hang out with does take a toll on me sometimes. However, my husband is and will continue to be all the friend I need. He’s been a tremendous support to me when I have those bad days thinking about my children. My BONUS son distracts me too without even realizing it. 😊
I reiterate to my children all the time … if you need me. I’m there. It may take longer than expected to get there, but I will be on my way. Once upon a time, it was just the three of us – they depended on me and I depended on them. They saved my life more than they will ever realize. And even though we now have a blended family, my love for them will never change. Momma will ALWAYS be there. I’m just a phone call and 534 miles away. ❤
Until next time … be blessed.
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