Giving in to getting older

Have you ever felt defeated? **DISCLAIMER** Not to the point of where you want to end your life. Not that!! However, you just feel like there is no end to the complacency in life? Almost like you feel stuck with nowhere to go? No? Be thankful because it is not a pleasant feeling at all.

I am in constant pain; chronic pain as the doctor describes. And because of the pain that I deal with, I am not fully able to help my husband who is also dealing with his own pain. I had gotten to a point to where I don’t even want to go to the doctor anymore. I mean… why? So they can pacify me with temporary relief instead of fixing the problem? So I can just blow money away for MRIs, physical therapy, this and that? If I was financially able it would be no problem, but I am not.

To be really truthful, I am just physically and mentally tired. Sometimes, I feel like I am giving in to getting ‘older’. Migraines, I have had them for as long as I can remember. As of February, I have a new type of head pain, not sure if the migraines trigger it or it triggers the migraine. Either way TRIGEMINAL NEURALGIA is not a force to be reckoned with. For me, it starts with shooting ‘ice pick like’ sensations poking me through the top of my head. Sometime thereafter, the numbness in my cheek will start. Honestly, when I first had it, I immediately thought ‘stroke’ and I didn’t waste time going to the ER. But I didn’t have any of the other stroke symptoms. Thank God.

My leg pains started when I was really young. And because I was never properly diagnosed, the bursitis in both hips and piriformis syndrome continued to get worse as I aged. I am talking 40+ years later. It hurts to sit down, lay down, stand up, walk, stand still, bend over, drive, ride {sigh} … not sure what else there is to do except just bear it. The very thing my doctor/PT tells me to do is exercise. That would be great if it didn’t hurt to move. No one will ever understand unless you know what I am talking about.

I guess one of the great things about getting older is the level of IDGAF (you old heads, go look that text jargon up). One of the worst feature, in my opinion, is my feet. I NEVER, ever wore sandals with opened toes. Bad feet are hereditary, so I get it honestly. As of late, I don’t care what people think about what they see. Yes, most of the anxiety was on me. But now… screw it. At least I have feet that I can walk on, regardless of whether they hurt or not. It’ll just take me a little longer to get where I am going.

So, as always, I am taking it day by day. Pain or no pain, I’m thankful for opening my eyes every morning. Thankful for the pain I feel, that means I am still alive. I am thankful for life. It’s a painful one nonetheless, but I am still here.

Until next time… be blessed.