God loves me! I used to question Him when I was much younger. “Why don’t you love me?” “Why did You allow those bad things to always happen to me?” “What did I do to make ‘people’ dislike me so much?” “Why was I even born?” Alot of questions that I could never get the answers to. But I kept on living, even when I didn’t want to.
As broken as I was mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I never once turned my back on Him. It would have been so easy to say I GIVE UP with my life. Honestly, I have said it numerous times – more than I care to mention. However, I knew (and know) in my heart that God is real. How do I know that you say? Because I am still here writing to you. Nobody but God could have kept me right where I am – right now!
When I look back over my life and see just how far I have come, I am in awe. Never would I have thought that I would be where I am today. Never would I have thought that I could find true love this late in life. Never would I have thought that I could self-publish two books. Never would I have even fathomed that one book would be an award winner. Never would I have thought that I could turn that award winning book into a Short Film and win several Film Festival Awards. Never would I have thought that I, little old me, could make a difference in a stranger’s life just by me revealing my mental health journey. Never. Sometimes I still don’t believe it. So whenever doubt tries to creep up into my mind, here comes God showing me, in some way, how blessed I am.
Before the testimony, there is always the test. Before the triumph, there is always a trial. I have noticed so many changes within the last year with people’s behaviors and actions towards me. I don’t bother anybody. If anything, I try to give all the accolades that I can to those who are deserving. Happy Birthdays, Happy Anniversaries, Congratulations, Prayers, Condolences, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I have had a few people (besides my husband) who have consistently supported me and checked up on me when my days were very dark. Those few were the same people who really opened my eyes to see who wasn’t there. I understand and it’s ok. Hurtful, but ok. God said there is a time and season for everything and everybody. And everyone can’t go on the same journey as you. I will continue to love them and support them just as I have been doing. I just hope the ones that speak evil towards and against me remember that God sits high and looks low.
Now for the atheist or non-believers, I don’t condemn your beliefs so please don’t condemn mine. It’s not my place to judge you, just like you shouldn’t judge me. I am just expressing how God has been good to me. It took alot of years and wisdom to realize that all of the things that I did go through, I had to go through them. I had to be hurt, so I could tell that young girl to hold her head high and things will get better with time. I had to be mentally destroyed so that I could encourage that young man that he does have support and will never be alone. As the title of my second book says, I Died So I Could Live. I had to died, just so I could live again. And I thank God for it.
Until next time … be blessed.