51 Days … and counting

51 days … and counting. That’s how long I have been depressed. I’m smiling sometimes. I’m functioning. I’m laughing at jokes. I am responding to social media. I’m still depressed.

51 days of seeing 3, 4, 5, 6, 7:00 am and sleeping until noon. Wasting away beautiful mornings that I will never, ever get back. Days where I just want to lay in bed with my eyes closed or wear an eye mask to keep from looking at light. Days where I only eat one time a day. Hungry, yet no desire to eat. Or when I do eat, I over indulge. The headaches … those sometimes unbearable head pains that even a Goody’s headache powder can’t touch. The irregular heartbeats every single day that scares me, but the doctors can’t find anything wrong. The high blood pressure that’s not controlled, but the doctors overlook every high reading at routine visits. They don’t care.

51 days of thoughts of being hopeless, less than, unworthy, unloved, unappreciated. 51 days of feeling useless, ugly, burdensome. 51 days I have thought about deactivating all social media accounts and turning off my phone. Still contemplating it. My phone doesn’t ring anyway.

But something happened on Day 37. I was overwhelmed. I was so riddled with so much sadness and grief. I said something I had never said out loud before. Something I held onto for over 40 years.

I’m tired of living.

Yes, I said it. Yes, I meant it. Yet, here I am. I made it to day 51. And I’m still counting.

4 thoughts on “51 Days … and counting

  1. Wendy, another beautifully written blog post. I am sorry that you are feeling anything but beautiful. I am growing worried about you. I was glad that you mentioned about doctors not paying attention to high blood pressure readings because that had happened to me as well. Assuming that they cared, I began to doubt myself, like am I imagining the high readings that they were charting yet doing nothing about. What I want to advise you is to take first things first at this point. When you don’t feel well and especially for as long as you have, you must expend any remaining energy wisely. Health and safety comes first because there is only one you. Doctors aren’t listening apparently. Can you bring your husband to a few doctors appointments to advocate for you? Can you get a different doctor?Try women doctors instead of male doctors. Yes a classmate of mine passed away from cancer no matter how many appointments she made and she repeatedly spoke up for herself. The answer was, all she needed was a CT scan. Because of no CT scan she lost her life. Get a good doctor, a female psychiatrist to prescribe a good antidepressant. Your hypertension is just as important, get it under control. I would start there for now. Do what makes you feel good also. If writing and blogging about this helps, by all means do that more often. Start with the most basic stuff. The right anti-depressant or even shock treatments can make all the difference in the world.

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